Crazy Grief.... Quiet Joy, pt2

Clara’s Departure pt. 1.

Today has been a day that no parent should have to wake to. I felt torn between wanting my baby to stay near me and yet knowing she needs to be put to rest. I felt the anxiety and fear clamping on my heart telling me, “no! Your baby needs to rest in your arms, not the ground! Don’t leave her! A good mother never leaves her baby!” Then the logical part would counter act with, “stop it. You know where she needs to be. She can’t stay forever in your freezer.” Then the heartache and tears would hit.

I was surrounded and comforted by so many friends and family that it gave me the strength to move forward. As we walked down the path to the gravesite; a path I ran down as a baby, child, teen and adult, never dreaming I would soon put my own child to rest there, peace descended. I am thankful she is buried where I spent my youth. I am thankful we can visit her regularly. I am thankful I could hold my son in my arms and gently talk with him about what was going on. He will remember this day.

“Bye, Baby, I love you.” I whispered as I sprinkled the first few handfuls of dirt. My dad had made a wooden box and we encased it with pieces of shale that we had gathered as kids. Caspian wanted to help, and Jazzy jumped in. They knew what was happening, and in their childish ways, sweetly put most of the dirt back inside. I loved having them be a part of this journey. Death affects us all, young and old, and if we shield them from it, they will never truly grow

What more is there to say? We have been overwhelmed by the hundreds of people praying us through this journey. I know the grief is far from over, but we have come through the hardest bit. I already feel the closure in my heart that I needed. This morning I was scared and confused. Now I feel peace again. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but for the rest of today we are going to celebrate my first baby turning 3

#missingclarajoy

 #griefisneverlogical